The Question.

Had another argument with C today that started with me just picking tiny things to get mad about. I see myself doing it, in my head I’m screaming what are you doing?! But then I just continue right along being mean and hateful and nothing he does will satisfy me and he tries so hard. He really is a super nice guy. And I’m not one of those girls who says a guy is “to nice” because I’ve had not nice , I’m looking for nice now but for some reason I can’t seem to handle it now that I’ve found it. And finally he ask the big question, the one that stopped me in my tracks, he said “I feel like you are doing everything you can to sabatoge this relationship, why are you trying so hard to push me away?” Well I guess that’s the big question because yes that’s exactly what I’m doing but WHY?! I don’t know. I really do love him. Is it that I think I don’t deserve him? (I honestly don’t know, I mean I don’t feel unworthy but at the same time I dont feel entitled either so maybe this isn’t an issue), maybe I’m with him because literally everyone else thinks he’s the greatest guy ever and ive never been one to make decisions and if everyone else likes him that’s good enough (I mean no one liked X and I went ahead with that relationship and they were right so maybe in my head I’m doing the opposit this time) or maybe it’s easy and dating is hard so why not just stick with him or maybe I’m scared to death of being alone, I mean Sunday when I was hurt who did I call? C!!! I like his company and he takes care of me so that’s way better then starting over or being alone. OR maybe it’s because marriage has come up and I’m freaking out beyond belief and also irritated that he seems to think its a done deal when I’m not so sure!! OR maybe Im not sure i want to commit yet, I mean I went on a few dates, talked to a few men but really C is only the second boyfriend I’ve had since my husband, I mean what if I’m settling? What if there is someone else out there that is more suited for me? Someone more compatible. I did an X vs C blog a little while ago, maybe tomorrow I should do a C vs Me blog so you guys can see some of our differences and see what I mean when I say someone is probably more compatible! OR (and this is probably more like it) I’m pushing to see when he will leave, what is his breaking point, when will he walk away. Anyway I apologized and he apologized and we are good for now I think.
I titled this blog find me after divorce but I’m definitely struggling with being me these days. I have some vacation coming up soon, a nice break will do me some good!!

The Nail that Broke my Back

Heard the saying the straw that broke the camels back? Well for me today it was a nail. Lets just say I have been feeling a little stressed out lately and a lot overwhelmed and that will bring us up to Friday night. Friday night I got off work and came home with a good friend of mine where we stayed up all night getting ready for a yard sale we were having to help raise money for her to buy books for her last year of college. We literally slept 3 hours to get up and get set up and it was so so hot!!! It was miserably hot and humid here in the south on Saturday morning. And all of the work netted us a whole $1.75. That’s it!!! We didn’t advertise properly and turns out our location was terrible. But after that I came home, showered and went to work. It was suppose to be a quick 5 hour shift because I HAD to leave at 6 because I had plans to go to a music festival with my dad. I take him every year. Well at 545 our credit card machines stop working. Well in a resturant that spells trouble and on a Saturday that is disaster!! I immediately get on the phone with our Internet provider and I get put on hold…where I stayed for well over an hour without actually talking to a single person. At one point I let an employee hold the phone while I stepped outside with my cell to call C to see if he could maybe take my dad to the music thing because I’m stuck at work and this causes a big argument about priorities and responsibilities and we end up hanging up angry so I call my dad and say I’m running late. At 7 I finally hang up with the Internet people without ever talking to them, get in my car and cry the whole way home. I get home change clothes, pick up my dad and start the 30 minute drive to the festival. I was dead tired and kept trying to nod off while driving and that made my dad mad which is understandable but I really was just trying to keep my word. We get to where we were going and it is so so crowded with cars every where and because we were so late there wasn’t even any more places to park so we end up not getting in anyway. We have dinner instead and I drop him off and call C to make up and even though he says he’s not mad he won’t come over to spend the night and I’m to tired to go there so I just go to bed. I over sleep Sunday morning and then when I did wake up I just couldn’t muster the energy to rush around so I miss bible study (aka Sunday school) and have to hurry to make the actual service. I couldn’t find anything I wanted to wear because as a woman if I’m in a funky mood then nothing I have is suitable and I felt like I looked horrible but I still went. As I’m walking in I step on a nail and it goes through my shoe and into my foot. It hurt so bad and I didn’t know what to do and I was embarrassed because I was bleeding and hopping around trying my best not to swear (which I didn’t!!). Luckily there was only one couple outside cause I was running late and they helped me get the nail out and offered me assistance but I assured them I was fine and wanted nothing more then to go home. And I didn’t cry until I pulled out of the parking lot. And then I cried and cried and cried. I called C and was able to tell him I was hurt and was at home and he made record timing getting to me. By that point I was near hysterics and on the verge of a full blown panic attack (I’ve only ever had 2 in my life but I felt it coming). C looked at my foot and though there was blood I think he quickly realized the tears had little to do with pain and more to do with stress and being tired and so very over whelmed by life at the moment. He held me and I felt so silly but once the tears started I couldn’t get them to stop!! Oh how I cried!!! It’s embarrassing really how such a thing set me off but I couldn’t stop!! Eventually I settled down and he cleaned my foot and I went and had it seen and there was actually some kind of debris in my wound that had to be cleaned out and tomorrow (Monday) I get the joy of going to get a tetanus shot. But I feel a little better. I took a 3 hour nap today at Cs place and it was good.

Sleep overs

I stayed at C’s place last night. I absolutly love his tiny little apartment. He has this studio apartment that I’m pretty sure the whole thing could fit in my bedroom, it really is the size of a hotel room. And I adore staying there. I don’t stay often because I have my own house and I don’t want to leave my dog over night by himself a bunch, that wouldn’t be fair. C actually stayed at my house for about a month before he moved into this apartment because his apartment wasn’t ready and after about a month I just couldn’t take it because he wasn’t living with me so he was basically living out of a bag and I still treated him like a guest and it just got old so he gave up his bigger apartment for the tiny one just so he could move in right away and get out of my way. I do miss him though. So I go stay in the tiny apartment. It only has front windows so it stays dark, it’s tiny so it stays cool and his apartment complex is full of older people so its quite and no one ever comes to his door. I sleep amazing there!!! Plus I enjoy his company. And to top it off his shower has excellent water pressure and the water gets supper hot so that’s a plus as well. If work didn’t call me at 8 this morning I probably could have slept til at least 10 (I’m not lazy I just work mostly nights and don’t get in bed until late so I sleep late). I have a super busy weekend but I’m hoping to hide out there Monday when I’m off and be lazy all day while he’s at work, I keep making plans to do that then end up spending the day doing other stuff. I’m not sure what it is about my house lately but I hate being here and I can’t sleep here, maybe because there is so much to do. Anyway it’s 4 in the morning now and I have to be up by 9 so I have to get some sleep.

C vs. X

I know that I’m not suppose to compare C to my X but sometimes I just can’t seem to help it. I started dating X when I was 16 and we separated when I was 30 so its hard to not set him as the standard to compare other men to, the good and the bad. So with that let the comparing begin!

The biggest thing that I have noticed and have even brought to C’s attention is that he has a different view of being a gentleman then I do and X did. X from the day we met until the day he moved out opened all doors, even car doors, for me. C doesn’t open car doors for me, even though he will open other doors for me. C also when we first met if we went out when we would order in a restaurant he wouldn’t wait for me to order first, he would just speak first which I thought was really rude because I was always taught that ladies go first. My dad treats me this way, X treated me that way without having to be told so it surprised me when C didn’t do the same. C and I talked about it and I wasn’t rude or hateful I just told him that I was use to being treated a certain way and that maybe he could take that into consideration. I don’t expect to be treated like a princess but I do expect a certain level of respect.

On the other hand C works on cars, he is so handy and he takes care of my car for me and makes sure I don’t get stranded. When it came to my car X always said it was my car not his and my stuff was not his responsibility. C says he likes taking care of me and that taking care of my car makes him feel needed and it helps him show that he loves me. When X left me my car had broken down the day before and he took our only working car with him leaving me stranded.

X hates all things sports but my favorite gift from C is a ball cap that has his favorite sports team on it. I just love that hat because to me it shows that he wants to share things with me that he loves, he wants to introduce me to his interest and his life. We also since he has a favorite college football team and I don’t really care either way decided to pick an “our” team to cheer for and instead of thinking its silly C checked the stats and checked to see if they had won or lost every time they played last season and we shared that together.

I love to read. X loves to read. We would talk about books and share books and I would even spend time reading to him while he played video games. We would spend hours at the book store and we spent time organizing our bookshelves and it was just something we could share together. C doesn’t read a lot. He doesn’t mind spending time with me in the book store and is really patient and he does like to read some nonfiction books but he doesn’t have the passion for it that I do.

I don’t drink, C doesn’t drink. X drinks. X kept a fully stocked bar in our house. X had people over to drink, we went places where he would drink, his family drank, his friends drank. C doesn’t drink and we have never been to a bar together. He and I have the same feelings when it comes to alcohol and being around drunk people.

X refused to go to church with me and even though he is a Christian he does not believe in prayer so we did not pray together. He says that God knows everything that He has planed for you and praying to him and asking for him for anything is questioning his judgment and that is just wrong. C goes to church with me and even though we haven’t had a lot of in depth conversations about it I do know that we have a lot of the same basic beliefs.

X tried to tell me what to do and tried to change me. C loves me for who I am, he doesn’t want me to change and he doesn’t think that I need to be controlled and I love him for it.

I might make comparisons and I might not like everything C does but I know that I am lucky to have him. I might compare him but I don’t want to change him. I might mourn the lose of X but I am thankful that I got rid of him. I know that I am so much better off in life now. I know that I am not sure the direction of the relationship that I have with C but right now, tonight, I am feeling like a very lucky girl.

My Boyfriend C

I have been seeing my boyfriend (we will call him C) for a while now. He’s a great guy I think but honestly how would I really know. My husband was a great guy and look what happened there. C is really nice though, he laughs at all my jokes, he takes interest in stuff that I have an interest in, like if I tell him about a video I’ve seen on youtube C will go and look it up, just cause I mentioned it. I asked him a couple of days ago why he loves me and his response was “because I’ve never met anyone like you, your amazing, your unique, I love you because your you”. WOW who says that?! He brings me lunch at work sometimes and we go out a couple of times a week. But I have doubts. I’ve told him my doubts so is not like I’m telling you and not telling him. He just says its ok, that he understands. I worry that because I have doubts that means that is not going to work out. That maybe he’s not “the one” but then again Im not looking for a new husband so then I think that it’s ok, I just have to give it time. The thing is I believe that C loves me more then I love him. Do I love him? Yes. And I miss him when he’s not around. But when I’m not thinking he’s as genuine as I think he is I’m thinking that he loves me more. And it’s not a contest or anything, it’s about the fact that I’ve been there. Long after my hubby stopped loving me I loved him, I think I always loved him more, I was always more invested. And that feeling is horrible, that feeling of at any moment the rug can be pulled out from under you and your whole world come crashing down, so you try too hard. You stop being you and start being more the ideal of the other, and nothing you do will change it, nothing you do can make someone love you long term. And I don’t want that for C, I don’t expect him to change to suit me, I just want to see where it goes and if I don’t like him then fine. But I’m taking my time and in doing so I’m worried that even though I have told him that he just thinks I’m getting more committed with time. He brought up the big M word in a general conversation and I flat out told him I don’t want to get married again, his response was that he will wait. I don’t want to let him go but I don’t know if I want to keep him and he’s just so patient and kind about everything. I don’t want to hurt him. I just wish I was more sure of myself so that in turn I could figure out where C stands in my life. He says he understands my need for time and space and he’s in no rush, that I’m still figuring me out but he’s believes I’m worth waiting for. How in the world did I end up with C?!!