I felt very alone today. Me and C broke up last night, which I’m sure isn’t a permanent thing because he’s already called and asked to see me this week but that’s not even the part that made me feel lonely. I realized today when I was moping around the house feeling sorry for myself that I didn’t have anyone to call and say hey I feel sad. I text one girlfriend who immediately went on about how all our weekend plans were ruined and all I kept thinking was “selfish bitch” and I sarasticly responded sorry to be an inconvenience which she took seriously and told me that was ok maybe I could still fix it, so I’m crossing her off the “friends” list. My life has slowly whittled down to work and church and home. I’m just alone all the time, it gets so old. So I’ll probably have dinner with C this week, if nothing else for the company. Plus the holidays are coming up and That’s when I miss X the most because he has this great big family with all these traditions and stuff, my family tries to only get together for Christmas and for only 2 hours tops, and C has invited me to all his family stuff so maybe I’ll just tag along, idk. I’m well aware that I can be very antisocial and also at times come across as awkward and so this is all part if my own doing but tonight I’m going to whine about it and throw myself a pity party.
Stupid Quote
I saw this quote somewhere a few days ago that asked “are you really happy or are you just really comfortable” and for some reason it has stuck in my head and nagged at me. And it’s silly because I don’t know if I’m happy or just scared to change anymore of my life then what’s already been done. I wish I was brave
What I’ve lost
I haven’t posted in a while, life has been crazy. I hate it. And it’s times like these I miss my husband. Not my jerk ex husband but my husband. The man I thought I married, the man I loved (love?) with all my heart. What I wouldn’t give to go back to what I’ve lost. He could always make me laugh, I swear that’s one of the reasons I loved him so much, he was just so funny. After a long night at work we would lay in bed for hours talking and laughing. God I miss that. And the support!!!!! Having a partner to help me with just life was wonderful. Like right now I’m in a job I absolutely hate, but I’m the only income I have so calculations have to be made, budgets, insurance questions answered, I can’t depend on anyone to help me transition into a new job. It just sucks. I’ve fallen into a depression lately, I know it will pass but I’m just so sad tonight, this quiet house can be a horrible thing.
Support
I found a support group that meets in my area for divorced people. I’m not sure if I’m going to go. I feel silly going since I’ve now been divorced almost a whole year. Seems like something I should have done sooner. It’s free which is good, and maybe I will make new friends and learn better ways to cope. But it’s on Wednesday nights and I like going to church on Wednesdays and I’m apart of a lady’s missions that meets on Wednesday nights once a month and I hate to have to trade one for the other but they are at the same time so I don’t know. I might go just to see.
Happy Birthday Mom!!
My mom would have been 61 today. Hard to believe she’s been gone almost 8 years. I wanted to tell you guys it was her birthday because honestly I feel like she’s not remembered enough. When you are mentally ill and self medicate with alcohol you tend to push people away and that’s what happened to her. My mom was a wonderful woman, and even when she was at her worst she loved me, she just couldn’t be a good mother to me and now that I’m older I know that and I know that really bothered her. My mom was the type of woman who loved people and she met all kinds of people because of her life style and I also know she helped people when she could and would give someone the shirt off her back if she thought they needed it.
Let me tell you a story, one of the few motherly stories I have about her. I was in my first year of college when my boyfriend of 3 years (who later became my husband and then my ex husband) broke up with me. I was devastated. I had waited in him through boot camp, we were suppose to get married and he called and broke up with me over the phone!! But he was living far away and it made sense and I got over it slowly. Until he came home to visit his family and I ran into him in a resturant. I handled it nicely, he came over, asked to sit down, we chatted a few minutes then I told him I had to run, was good to see him. I left that resturant, went straight home, packed my over night bag and went to my moms house which was in another state. I didn’t want to risk running into him or him seeking me out. I climbed into bed with my mom and let her comfort me. I was 19 years old but I put my head in her lap and cried and cried and she rubbed my back, played with my hair and told me she knew it hurt. She didn’t say oh you will get over it, first loves hurt, none of that. She just said she knew. And for me to just let it out. I will never forget that. She fed me junk food and I think she might have even made me breakfast in bed the next morning, I don’t really remember. And I think that’s why now when I think of my heart break with X I miss her so much. I wish I had her here to just say she knows.
So anyway, if you have time today maybe give her a thought, a woman that you never got the opportunity to know and let her be remembered on her birthday for something good. Thanks 🙂
Vacation
I’ve been on vacation this week. I love the mountains so the last couple of years my dad has taken me to a cabin in the mountains and we spend a few days just hanging out. This year we ended up in Blue Ridge GA, we have never been here before and its been great. Every year we look for basically the same thing, pool table, hot tub, grill, fire pit, secluded. And this year was great. I have been so so very stressed out lately that it was been the greatest four days I’ve had in a long time. I didn’t even bring my dog this time, which I normally do, instead a friend of mine house/dog sat and I have been stress free. On these trips my dad (who is retired) plans the menu and cooks and lets me sleep in (I have slept til 1 in the afternoon twice this week). we play poker and pool and grill out and take naps and talk about my future and plan things and talk about what we would do if money was no object. I will treasure these times for my whole life. I lost my mom when I was 25, I didn’t get these opportunities with her, and my dad has congestive heart failure. My biggest fear in life is when that time comes that we can’t do these trips any more. Already I see a difference in him this year then last year. He moves a little slower, he’s a little stiffer, his feet are swollen, this year he has to give himself insulin shots where last year he did not. He forgets things and misspeaks regularly and I don’t know why, I’ve never noticed it before this week. And frankly its terrifying. But I cant dwell on that. We have had a awesome time and both have commented numerous times how we wish we didn’t have to go home tomorrow, how we wish we could stay here forever, how we wish life had turned out differently and more simple. But tomorrow takes us back to the real world. I actually have to go into work tomorrow night, there are food orders to make, schedules to be made, drink orders. This past week has been a true blessing, I mean he is my dad and we are both use to living alone so of course we have gotten on each others nerves at times but I can’t think of a better way to spend my time then with him this week.. its almost like stepping back in time and being a kid again and just letting him take care of me once a week with no worries. What a wonderful way to spend my vacation, I am so thankful and feel truly blessed tonight
My House
I spent the weekend house sitting for a good friend of mine and I had a big moment of self discovery that I think might actually help me some!! I don’t like my house. I mean don’t get me wrong, I do love my house but right now I don’t like it very much. I built my little house in the woods about 5 years ago so that I could stop paying rent and start putting money into something I actually own. My husband and his dad who does construction actually built this house themselves, besides the foundation and the shingles they did everything with their own hands. At the time it was amazing to watch and be apart of and even though it was stressful when it was finished I was completely in love with it. My property is heavily wooded and we cleared out a space and put a house on it instead of clearing it off, so I can’t see any houses or the road, it is quite and I love the tress and nature. But my x and I decorated it together, we picked paint colors, paintings, curtains, everything together. When he moved out he came and got some of his things and took some things off the wall and honestly those spaces are still bare, in some places the nail is even still there but there is nothing hanging there. I don’t feel like this house represents me, which I guess because I am still trying to figure me out. I have hung one thing on the wall since he moved out and people have actually asked me where I got it from, they say it seems out of place and not me at all which is funny because I love it and I picked it out and wanted it and a friend got it for me. I think this house might be part of my problem, part of my depression issues because its not my house, I have left it as our house was and it is a visual representation of my failures in life and marriage. I would never sale this house and move because the property was given to me as a gift from my grandparents and my dad lives next door and I like it here but I do see now that I have to change it. I need to make it mine, decorate in ways that makes me happy and bring me inner peace and not have reminders and empty spaces. I am actually kind of excited about it, I just have to do it a little at a time so that I can keep a reasonable budget so I hope I don’t get discouraged 1/2 way through but I don’t think I will, I think this might actually be just what I need right now.
Little “Jokes” Go a Long Way
My ex husband use to “tease” me about stupid stuff. Everything I liked was stupid or silly, everything I did was clumsy or just not right and he was never overly mean about it, if I got upset he would say I’m just joking, you know that. Or stop being so sensitive. I use to watch The Real Housewives of Orange County when it first started like forever ago and I still remember me telling him I watched an episode and him laughing and saying “I thought that was only for stupid people, those shows are trash” and I laughed with him and just said yeah it was stupid and never watched it again. I would actually lie about what I watched on television, how stupid is that!!! If I watched the news it was too bias or obviously why I was in a bad mood because news is depressing. Football, who watches football? Football is violent and only morons like football. The books I read were common, the art I liked was too modern and simple, “you only like it because it has bright colors, you didn’t even really look at it”. I don’t really care for sushi, when we would go to a sushi bar I would order the same thing every time because I knew what I liked, he would say I never tried anything new and wasn’t adventurous in my diet snd I shouldn’t only live off pop tarts (which in fact I do like but never buy because that is not a breakfast food but a snack food) and spaghetti Os (another rare purchase because I actually don’t really like can food that much). ANYWAY the whole point here is in every aspect of my life I wasn’t what I should be, and I solved that by always saying whatever you want for dinner is fine, whatever movie you want to go see is good with me, oh you want to play video games? That’s fine I don’t really even like watching TV (and actually once I got out of the habit that actually stuck, I still don’t watch much TV, which is probably actually a good thing). I would wait for him to give an opinion on almost everything before I would give mine so that I wouldn’t appear silly for not saying the right thing. And so now I am one of the most indecisive people you will ever meet, I hate disagreements, and I often worry if I’m doing something right or saying the right thing, I apologize often, I let others influence my choices, I have a hard time saying no or standing up for myself. For example, I like to watch youtube videos but I actually often either don’t mention it or don’t tell people the channels I actually follow because I’m worried that its stupid or that because they have a lot of cursing and stuff people will get offended or think bad of me for actually liking it. I am aware that I do these things, it’s the stopping it that really is hard!!
The Question.
Had another argument with C today that started with me just picking tiny things to get mad about. I see myself doing it, in my head I’m screaming what are you doing?! But then I just continue right along being mean and hateful and nothing he does will satisfy me and he tries so hard. He really is a super nice guy. And I’m not one of those girls who says a guy is “to nice” because I’ve had not nice , I’m looking for nice now but for some reason I can’t seem to handle it now that I’ve found it. And finally he ask the big question, the one that stopped me in my tracks, he said “I feel like you are doing everything you can to sabatoge this relationship, why are you trying so hard to push me away?” Well I guess that’s the big question because yes that’s exactly what I’m doing but WHY?! I don’t know. I really do love him. Is it that I think I don’t deserve him? (I honestly don’t know, I mean I don’t feel unworthy but at the same time I dont feel entitled either so maybe this isn’t an issue), maybe I’m with him because literally everyone else thinks he’s the greatest guy ever and ive never been one to make decisions and if everyone else likes him that’s good enough (I mean no one liked X and I went ahead with that relationship and they were right so maybe in my head I’m doing the opposit this time) or maybe it’s easy and dating is hard so why not just stick with him or maybe I’m scared to death of being alone, I mean Sunday when I was hurt who did I call? C!!! I like his company and he takes care of me so that’s way better then starting over or being alone. OR maybe it’s because marriage has come up and I’m freaking out beyond belief and also irritated that he seems to think its a done deal when I’m not so sure!! OR maybe Im not sure i want to commit yet, I mean I went on a few dates, talked to a few men but really C is only the second boyfriend I’ve had since my husband, I mean what if I’m settling? What if there is someone else out there that is more suited for me? Someone more compatible. I did an X vs C blog a little while ago, maybe tomorrow I should do a C vs Me blog so you guys can see some of our differences and see what I mean when I say someone is probably more compatible! OR (and this is probably more like it) I’m pushing to see when he will leave, what is his breaking point, when will he walk away. Anyway I apologized and he apologized and we are good for now I think.
I titled this blog find me after divorce but I’m definitely struggling with being me these days. I have some vacation coming up soon, a nice break will do me some good!!
The Nail that Broke my Back
Heard the saying the straw that broke the camels back? Well for me today it was a nail. Lets just say I have been feeling a little stressed out lately and a lot overwhelmed and that will bring us up to Friday night. Friday night I got off work and came home with a good friend of mine where we stayed up all night getting ready for a yard sale we were having to help raise money for her to buy books for her last year of college. We literally slept 3 hours to get up and get set up and it was so so hot!!! It was miserably hot and humid here in the south on Saturday morning. And all of the work netted us a whole $1.75. That’s it!!! We didn’t advertise properly and turns out our location was terrible. But after that I came home, showered and went to work. It was suppose to be a quick 5 hour shift because I HAD to leave at 6 because I had plans to go to a music festival with my dad. I take him every year. Well at 545 our credit card machines stop working. Well in a resturant that spells trouble and on a Saturday that is disaster!! I immediately get on the phone with our Internet provider and I get put on hold…where I stayed for well over an hour without actually talking to a single person. At one point I let an employee hold the phone while I stepped outside with my cell to call C to see if he could maybe take my dad to the music thing because I’m stuck at work and this causes a big argument about priorities and responsibilities and we end up hanging up angry so I call my dad and say I’m running late. At 7 I finally hang up with the Internet people without ever talking to them, get in my car and cry the whole way home. I get home change clothes, pick up my dad and start the 30 minute drive to the festival. I was dead tired and kept trying to nod off while driving and that made my dad mad which is understandable but I really was just trying to keep my word. We get to where we were going and it is so so crowded with cars every where and because we were so late there wasn’t even any more places to park so we end up not getting in anyway. We have dinner instead and I drop him off and call C to make up and even though he says he’s not mad he won’t come over to spend the night and I’m to tired to go there so I just go to bed. I over sleep Sunday morning and then when I did wake up I just couldn’t muster the energy to rush around so I miss bible study (aka Sunday school) and have to hurry to make the actual service. I couldn’t find anything I wanted to wear because as a woman if I’m in a funky mood then nothing I have is suitable and I felt like I looked horrible but I still went. As I’m walking in I step on a nail and it goes through my shoe and into my foot. It hurt so bad and I didn’t know what to do and I was embarrassed because I was bleeding and hopping around trying my best not to swear (which I didn’t!!). Luckily there was only one couple outside cause I was running late and they helped me get the nail out and offered me assistance but I assured them I was fine and wanted nothing more then to go home. And I didn’t cry until I pulled out of the parking lot. And then I cried and cried and cried. I called C and was able to tell him I was hurt and was at home and he made record timing getting to me. By that point I was near hysterics and on the verge of a full blown panic attack (I’ve only ever had 2 in my life but I felt it coming). C looked at my foot and though there was blood I think he quickly realized the tears had little to do with pain and more to do with stress and being tired and so very over whelmed by life at the moment. He held me and I felt so silly but once the tears started I couldn’t get them to stop!! Oh how I cried!!! It’s embarrassing really how such a thing set me off but I couldn’t stop!! Eventually I settled down and he cleaned my foot and I went and had it seen and there was actually some kind of debris in my wound that had to be cleaned out and tomorrow (Monday) I get the joy of going to get a tetanus shot. But I feel a little better. I took a 3 hour nap today at Cs place and it was good.
findingmeafterdivorce 